October 27, 2008
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Emotionally stunted
I had a very cathartic experience last night. The place where my Mom spent her last year had a memorial service for the residents that had died since February. They talked a lot about remembering, and they read the names of the residents that had died (Mom was about the 3rd youngest).
When she passed away on March 31st, I had a little trouble connecting emotionally. That’s not completely accurate, but I was her pastor – I helped organize the service at our church and preached the memorial service sermon. I was basically “on-duty”. I didn’t feel able to just be her son.
I’ve become aware of this (dis)ability to compartmentalize things. And although I’ve more desire than ever to emotionally connect to events, I sometimes feel less able than ever. It frustrates me.
So last night was neat. We sat in the chapel and I tried to let go. I still didn’t feel comfortable breaking down and sobbing (more disability), but I was able to open up. Then the five of us – Tara still lives out of state – went to her grave and laid a carnation from the service at the temporary gravestone. I told everyone that this was hard and got a group hug and much comforting. My family totally rocks like that.
Then we went home and watched the Phillies win.
Mom would have liked that too.
Comments (12)
I missed watching the world series last night, dangit.
I’m sorry for your loss, and I really hope you can take the time to mourn…as her son. You deserve that.
((hugs and prayers))
ive felt that. im glad you got to ease out of it for a bit.
@IrrepressiblyMe -
Thanks, Kat. I never thought about the fact that you probably felt very much on-duty at your folks’ service.
How’s life been?
@IfWallsCouldTalk21 -
Thanks, Linds! I appreciate it. I guess we all have areas to grow, huh?
What a grace gift from our Father to you. Very cool.
Where’s Tara, btw?
@i_was_there_and_back_again -
She has a job in NM working in a hospital in the ICU.
Whoa! New Mexico!! How did I miss that!!?
It didn’t take me quite as long as you, but on the way to the funeral at Indiantown Gap National Cemetery I broke down in the car with my wife after my father died.
There have also been certain triggers that will hit me and have hit me since then.
i’m sorry to hear of your loss. glad you had this opportunity to step out of the pastor role. sometimes it’s a blessing to be able to be in “job mode”, but eventually, when it’s personal, it will need dealt with. i think though, that you shouldn’t put expectations on yourself as to what that will look like or when it should happen. we all grieve in our own time and in our own way.
It’s nice to hear people admit that they have trouble doing things, especially things that may be criticized! I think it shows that you do not feel yourself ferior to others and it’s nice to know that otherwise “normal” people struggle with things too!
I think being a pastor makes it all the more difficult to personalize things. You hear about everybody elses problems, fears, and emotions and are never able to share your own. Sometimes though what someone wants to hear is that you as a pastor struggle too. I’ve found being open about my own fears and struggles has allowed others to open up to me!
I also find it difficult to ever talk to pastors about my problems, because I fear they either do feel ferior to me and my problems, or they have a loss of interest.
BTW – Unfortunatly, because of the drama going on at work I’m not going to be able to come down this week
Sucks!
When I come home, we’ll talk more about this. It may be a guy thing or something else. I’ve found that living away from all of you allows me to avoid it all somewhat, too. But the it hits and OH BOY!!!! I need you and can’t wait to hug you all.